A FESTIVAL like no other, this time the hyperbole is spot on, although not in the way the authors will have intended. This Cheltenham will be very different for man and beast.

2021 really picked up where 2020 left off but one thing is for certain there will be no repeat of the previous Cheltenham Festival. Lawyers have once again reminded us that the 2020 version was definitely, definitely not a coronavirus super-spreader event.

This time around we are unfortunately not going, so what is a punter to do? One small mercy may be the flattening of the preview night curve although there is a raging podcast pandemic. Be careful, one can’t move for another pod springing up, although there are no new variants. In the run-up to the Festival, it’s good to remember the old maxim: “Everything in moderation, especially podcasts.”

Although, to be clear and as a general rule, this does not apply to Nick Luck, he can do literally anything. Lucky even made a boozy Breeders’ Cup preview show with Americans bearable.

While information is key to having a successful punting experience the ’bantaah’ brigade are unlikely to help as they swear through “certainties” and empty forfeits if horses get beaten. There is no chance of these lads, and they are nearly all lads, being stopped just because they got it arse-ways. It’s the entertainment business baby, are you not entertained? No.

Anyway, I didn’t hear any of the Cheltenham countdown podcast crew suggest rolling last year’s winnings into shares in Zoom.

UnpreCEDENTED

This 2021 Festival, like everything else in the last 12 months, falls into category of Unprecedented. Unfortunately, this also means some aspects of normal life may intrude on the Cheltenham bubble.

Military level organisation for the entire week will be required, although much of it essentially boils down to having more screens. Who knows if the kids will be back in school – proof there is no God if they are not – but can any punter really take that risk?

Picture the nightmare scene, as the horses line up for the Champion Hurdle, you’re virtually clutching three fat ante-post dockets, a miracle in itself. Then, Muinteoir Ray and his colleagues schedule their latest RTÉ Home School Hub live lesson. It will be back of the class for you.

Get another tablet, and it’s not like much of an excuse is ever needed to upgrade the TV.

While Cheltenham is traditionally a time when people meet, maybe even just annually for some all too rare face-to-face contact, again that’s unlikely.

However, friends and family may be required for some assistance over the four days of the Festival, they could have betting accounts.

In the highly plausible scenario where betting shops are still closed, there will be no doors ajar for the footfall generators to work their magic. To clarify, footfall generators are the massive ricks retail bookmakers put up to attract your service. These are usually part of the morning walk between The Opening Show (it’s okay to watch it during Cheltenham; the Festival buzz moderates the normal irritation caused) and the proper coverage starting.

Those potential closed doors means the party will move online. Unfortunately, this increases the likelihood that those offers will not apply to you due to the volume of restrictions on your punting and closed betting accounts accrued.

The groundwork for this betting mission begins now. Time to unmute all of those extended family WhatsApp groups and throw a few random messages in. Fish out the possible punters, remind them about how convenient Revolut is. Send a few birthday messages. These people could become your very own essential workers by the time the Supreme rolls around.

Organisation will be key as for once cooking may become a part of Cheltenham week and not just the metaphorical all duck or no dinner scenario. No deciding on what restaurant to choose based on the success of the afternoon.

Cook the week before, stockpile like a bear before hibernation. Your freezer should look like a disaster is imminent, which may be the case if Patrick gets beaten in not quite four-mile, four-miler.

The presence of Non-Cheltenham Devotees (NCDs) may impede the enjoyment of the week. Whether they are from inside or outside of the house/support bubble, preparation is key. Look into forming a new support bubble without any NCDs. There is strength in numbers and goodness knows Cheltenham can be a trying time. Like a group of survivalist preppers getting ready for doomsday, which could be on Friday if Al Boum Photo gets beaten.

Bubble

The lack of influence beyond a very small bubble of Cheltenham diehards may not be the fun experience it initially promised.

Upon reflection, abandoning your family for racing nerds to sit in isolation in front of the TV as if the end of the world is nigh, is not a great shout. It would be like racing Twitter but in real life where you can’t just put down your phone, or if that is too severe a measure, go onto Instagram instead.

Cheltenham should be fun, it is the greatest place in the world, it’s the Olympics of horse racing except it doesn’t get deferred in a pandemic. Just sit down in a comfy chair, try to schedule a bit of time for normal people away from the racing. Enjoy a few fun bets maybe even a couple of beers with the TV on.

Flick on ITV Racing and just enjoy the spectacle as Ed and Francesca and Fitzy get to go to Prestbury Park while you are stuck at home watching. It will be great. Matey banter with Oli Bell and the guy from Love Island. Just relish and forward to that. Matt Chapman shouting pieces to camera. ALL. WEEK. LONG.

Luckily, there is Lucky and Racing TV.