THE loss of a loved one is life’s most stressful event and can cause an emotional crisis. After the death of someone you love you experience bereavement, literally “to be deprived by death.” You may experience a wide range of emotions, even when the death is expected. Many people report feeling an initial stage of numbness, but there is no order to the grieving process. Emotions you may experience include:

These feelings are normal. You may not be prepared for the intensity and duration of your emotions or how swiftly your moods may change. You may even begin to doubt the stability of your mental health. Be assured that these feelings are healthy and appropriate and will help you come to terms with your loss.

It takes time to fully absorb the impact of a major loss. You never stop missing your loved one, but the pain eases after time and allows you to go on with your life.

Mourning

It is not easy to cope after a loved one dies. Mourning is the natural process you go through to accept a major loss. It may include religious traditions honouring the dead, or gathering with friends and family to share your loss. Mourning is personal and may last months or years.

Grieving is the outward expression of your loss. Your grief is likely to be expressed physically, emotionally and psychologically. Crying is a physical expression, while depression is a psychological expression. It is important to allow yourself to express these feelings. Often, death is a subject that is avoided, ignored or denied. It may seem helpful to separate yourself from the pain, but you cannot avoid grieving forever. Someday those feelings will need to be resolved or they may cause physical or emotional illness.

Many people report physical symptoms that accompany grief. Stomach pain, loss of appetite, sleep disturbances and loss of energy are all common symptoms. Mourning can seriously test your natural defence systems. Existing illnesses may worsen or new conditions may develop.

Profound emotional reactions may occur. These include anxiety attacks, chronic fatigue, depression and thoughts of suicide. An obsession with the deceased is a common reaction to death.

Dealing with loss

The death of a loved one is always difficult. Your reactions are influenced by the circumstances of a death, particularly when it is sudden or accidental. Your reactions are also influenced by your relationship with the person who died. A child’s death arouses an overwhelming sense of injustice for lost potential, unfulfilled dreams and senseless suffering. Parents may feel responsible for the child’s death, no matter how irrational that may seem, and may feel they have lost a vital part of their own identity.

A spouse’s death is very traumatic. In addition to the emotional shock, the death may cause a financial crisis if the spouse was the main income source. Death may necessitate social adjustments, requiring the surviving spouse to parent alone, adjust to single life or return to work. Elderly people may be especially vulnerable when they lose a spouse because it means losing a lifetime of shared experiences.

A loss due to suicide can be the hardset to bear. They may leave the survivors with a burden of guilt, anger and shame. Survivors may even feel responsible for the death. Seeking counselling during the first weeks after the suicide is beneficial and advisable.

Living with grief

Coping with death is vital to your mental health. It is natural to experience grief when a loved one dies. The best thing to do is allow yourself to grieve. There are many ways to cope with your pain.

Seek out caring people. Find people who can understand your feelings of loss. Join support groups with others who are experiencing similar losses.

Express your feelings. Tell others how you are feeling; it will help you through the grieving process.

Take care of your health. Maintain regular contact with your family doctor and be sure to eat well and get plenty of rest. Be aware of the danger of developing a dependence on medication or alcohol.

Accept that life is for the living. It takes effort to begin to live again in the present and not dwell on the past.

Postpone major life changes. Try to hold off making any major changes, such as moving, remarrying, changing jobs or having another child. You should give yourself time to adjust to your loss.

Be patient. It can take months or even years to absorb a major loss and accept your changed life.

Seek outside help when necessary. If your grief seems like it is too much to bear, seek professional help to work through your grief. It’s a sign of strength, not weakness, to seek help.

Helping others

If someone you care about has lost a loved one, you can help them through the grieving process. Share their sorrow by allowing them, and even encouraging them, to talk about their feelings of loss and share memories of the deceased.

Don’t offer false comfort. It doesn’t help the grieving person when you say “it was for the best” or “you’ll get over it in time.”

Instead, offer a simple expression of sorrow and take time to listen. Offer practical help such as babysitting, cooking and running errands. They are all ways to help someone who is in the midst of grieving.

Be patient and remember that it can take a long time to recover from a major loss. Make yourself available to talk. Finally, encourage professional help when necessary. Don’t hesitate to recommend professional help when you feel someone is experiencing too much pain to cope alone.

Helping children

Children who experience a major loss may grieve differently to adults.

A parent’s death can be particularly difficult for small children, affecting their sense of security or survival. Often they are confused about the changes they see taking place around them, particularly if well-meaning adults try to protect them from the truth or from their surviving parent’s display of grief.

Limited understanding and an inability to express feelings put young children at a disadvantage. Young children may revert to earlier behaviours (such as bed-wetting), ask questions about the deceased that seem insensitive, invent games about dying or pretend that the death never occurred.

Coping with a child’s grief puts strain on a bereaved parent. However, angry outbursts or criticism only deepen a child’s anxiety and delays recovery. Talk honestly with children, in terms they can understand. Take extra time to talk with them about death and the person who has died. Help them work through their feelings and remember that they are looking to adults for suitable behaviour.

Look to the future

With support, patience and effort you will survive grief. One day the pain will lessen, leaving you with cherished memories of your loved one.